Food journalling and other rambles!

Its been only 4 days since I ran the 10k and my feet are itching to run, literally. I have only managed 2 body pump classes this week, after taking off both Monday and Wednesday. Having a class with good instructors really cuts the deal in terms of motivating me to actually get my butt in the class. The other options I have with the 7-8am group class is Sh'Bam ( a form of western dance, I feel is highly intimidating) and body combat (which I never really warmed up to). All yoga classes are in the 8-9 batch and I cannot do that because then I will run late to office!

 

Hence I take pump twice a week, try to squish in 2 runs, a yoga class and on highly productive weeks also a different cardio session. Mostly I end up exercising only 5 days and convince myself that doing about 2.5 surya namaskars is enough exercise for the day. One day is rest day. Yayy!

 

The scale has shot up by atleast 1kg post womens day run. I was guessing that was water retention. But even though the bloat from my carbo loading in terms of dinner and dessert outside + rice based meals at home post run is almost gone, I still think there is a weight gain. Sigh!!! When will I ever learn not to reward myself with food? I was thinking I'd be able to get closer to the 75 mark by the end of this month. But losing and gaining the same kilo or so is quite annoying, honestly.

 

Seriously why does is take forever to lose one kg, but only 2 days of bad eating to gain it back? Did I mention life is unfair???

 

Did I tell you, journalling is going good. I am able to stay under 1500 calories most days.

I find journalling very useful. because I know what exactly I am eating. There is no mindless eating or eating when not hungry. And I know what I eat and thats its good for me. Back in my college days, I remember I joined a gym. I took a weight loss package of losing 5 kg in a month. I was given a little notebook in which I was to write down what I ate. Usually I filled in the book what I ideally should have eaten. I literally starved myself. Yes I did lose some weight. But towards the end I think I actually ate food and saw the scale show a nearly 2 kg gain. Must have been water retention after starving myself for so many days. But I got so annoyed, I threw my hands in the air and quit! I am glad I am not so irrational nowadays. But still there are many days the scale does not budge even though I have been working out and eating perfectly. I want to cry. I do too. I curse and complain to the husband. And he tells me I'm looking so good -even better than when I married him. I know it can't be too true, but it works like ointment and I get my act back together!

 

Right now I plan to continue running and also try to conquer that 75 kg mark. I feel like I've stayed in the later 70s for ever now.

 

That's all from me guys. Do you journal? What method works best for you?

 

Foggy morning run, school admissions, size Medium and new shoes :)

I guess the pressure of running the 10k this coming Sunday got to me pretty bad. I woke up at 6.20 am and was running by 6.35 a.m. I managed the 7k slotted practise run pretty well, though I stopped in between fot some foggy morning shots:

 

 Would you believe if I said that was at 7 a.m? Well I loved my foggy morning run. The rest of the day was taken up in bank work for the home loan that always seems to require more documentation. Did I tell you guys we are remodelling the home we bought!! While it sounds pretty exciting and all, the paper work, dealings with government bodies and licensing authorities drives us to the edge.

Another thing I've been massively stressing about is Chittu's school admissions. While I know it really is not a big deal, I keep getting pangs of "I think I'm not doing enough" time and again. I know there is no" enough" per se. But the complexity involved in getting admissions for these not even three year olds is quite a nail-biting process for me. I'm not sure if my parents stressed about any of these things - but this competition amongst my peers and the kids peers is something that is quite psyching me out. We have applied to only two schools - one being my own alma mater which is the best in Bangalore. The other is also a much sought after school, and the chances that we will get into either of them is not a predictable figure. Anyway, my guess is that the wait should be over soon and we should know by the end of this week.

Sunday, I fixed breakfast along with the morning Chai. I ran a 6k on the treadmill at the gym and came back home to cook lunch. I napped a short while, before I did a wee bit of shopping at the Shoppers Stop sale. Discovering the size M me was fun!!! The Scienst also indulged the gym-rat in me.I got new shoes! Score!! That makes it to a total of 4 pairs of sneakers - I keep one pair  of Reeboks in Chennai in case I have the desire to run there, one is a cheap buy from the Decathalon store here in Bangalore. Another one is my fancy expensive running shoes - my Reebok Response Stability that I spent quite a fortune over  and my latest one yesterday. Its also not out of place to mention that I am completing my annual gym membership in March and thats one year of gymming!!! I will share shoe pictures soon , I promise!

 

Sometime during the weekend, the Scientist commented that he's proud of me - for waking up in the morning and heading out to run even in the fog. Yes I have become that person. Ok enough talking I guess. Anyone else running the Contours women's day 10k? I'd love to meet you, before the race :)

 

 

Saturday post - feeling low but sticking to SBD!

I usually don't post on Saturdays, but the last week I have been feeling a little blah! Some personal issues which make me really sad, have really been making the rounds and causing my system to be a little bogged down. Another reason is that PMS has played around with my mood. Also, I took the last three days off as I heeded the Scientist's advise to stay away from hard core exercise during my cycle. I have felt lately that I feel lost and dazed on days I don't exercise. I might be officially addicted to exercise!Who would have thought?

On the SBD (South Beach Diet) front, I did pretty good today, and my protein intake was finally up to the recommended level and calorie consumption was just 1500. I hope I can sustain this and see some good results by the end of two weeks.

Thanks to all those who left comments on my earlier post, for the support and prodding on. I am hoping I stay on track! I I feel more accountable now that more people are actually watching me. That sure is a positive side of blogging the numbers :)

Is "fat" a four letter word?

When I was in Chennai last week, I fished compliments from many who had not seen me in a long time. I confessed that great results come out of hard work and that there were no magic pills I popped to get where I am. I know that in the past few months my body has undergone a tremendous change, and even though I might not be losing weight, there are other things going on - namely toning up and cellulite reduction which are really showing up pretty good. Plus since I am not in starvation mode, my skin and hair look healthy and alive. I am glad that I am losing weight in the most healthy way possible. I am feeling young, strong, fit and agile, find myself in a better mood most of the time and sleep really really well ( thanks to all the working out I do).

But even though there is this bright side of me, people who see me for the first time still see me as an overweight person. I might have shed 22 kgs, but that does not make me thin - just less fat! The thought of this makes me so sad. If I had approached weight loss in this way some 4-5 years ago, I might not have weighed a ton, ever! But the should have/could have/would have approach really does not do me any good. And I am glad I weigh 79 kilos instead of 100!

One such person who met me for the first time passed remarks which really sent my temper shooting to the ceiling. While the said person and his family was interacting with us (me, husband and in-laws) he commented in surprise that he had heard I was a dancer - a professional dancer he exclaimed! In all good faith, I asked him what was so surprising ( I have learnt to give people a chance by asking, instead of assuming why they think a certain way). He said that dancers were supposed to have great bodies and also expressed his dismay at how they gain weight when they stopped. I calmly told him that I was tubby even when I danced. He drew Dr.Padma Subramaniam (a highly reverred Bharatanatyam exponent) into the conversation and asked me how come she is so fat even though she continues to dance. I told him that agility could be lost with age and possibly that was the reason her practices were not as effective as before, and besides there could be a number of other reasons for weight gain.

Honestly I was quite stung by his remarks and often wonder how people could be so freely nasty while commenting about others being fat. Is "fat" a four letter word? For me, yes it hurts pretty bad when people call me that. In fact all though my childhood, I refused to do anything about my weight, because my father called me "fat". He constantly tried to remind me of my bad looks. That approach shapes a lot of my personality even today. I am highly sensitive and keep thinking people think of me as fat and unworthy! Only post marriage and the Scientist's loving acceptance of me even at 100 kgs with two broken feet, did I see that there was a lot in life beyond the difference of "fat" and "thin". Yes I still continue to be hurt by incidents like those above, but I know that somebody understands me and that its ok. The emotinal aspect of my fat had pervaded the physical aspects. But I am on the journey to appreciating what all my body does even at this embarrassing weight.

But this makes me think do you guys face such situations too? How do you handle them? And is "fat" a four letter word?

 

An Aha moment - two days before the 10k!

Just two days left to the 10k, actually one if we don't count the remaining part of today. I am really nervous and also embarrased that I'd probably be the last to finish. But whatever. I will still do it.

 

 The wierd part is that we have given our car to the Scientist's brother and are wondering how to make it to Srirangapatna. We had sent away our car much before the day I actually signed up for the race, and it did not occur to either the Scientist or me to avail of race day transport. So I don't know how I'm going to reach the race. But reach, I will!

 

Did I just say race day? Me? Like really? I am going to do a race? I remember P.T. classes back in school. I always found an excuse not to run the mandatory laps. I don't remember why exactly. But it may have a lot to do with fact thatI thought I was fat and therefore obviously could not run. My parents were so upset that I was fat. I remember my mother saying that it was my only negative attribute. I'm sure she did not mean to put me down. But I remember her saying that I got such good grades, danced so well, read so much, was a good orator in school but I was fat. I did try to become thin. But I could never ever resist eating tasty food in large quantities and therefore stayed fat!

 

 Recently while in the US my uncle showed me pictures of their India trip many years ago. I was in 5th grade if I remember right and I remember that day all too well! We were going on a picnic, and I got dressed in the shorts and t shirt my uncle had got me from the US. I remember thinking I was very fat. I also remember my mom chiding me for being so fat and wearing those clothes. But you know what? In that picture, I did not look fat AT ALL. In fact, I looked a bit too tall to be a 5th grader!

 

When I began to run weighing about 80 kgs I had come so far along on my weight loss journey, that I did not care about any one else or what they thought about an overweight.. or wait, Obese woman running on the road. Did they think an earthquake was approaching? Honestly, I was so glad to be actually able to run, with the two feet that were fractured some years ago! I was glad that even though I was obese, I had good stamina. I was even more glad that the Scientist did not think much of the but jiggle or thigh cellulite. He prodded me on. Who knew I would run a 7k, as a practice run? Seriously, if someone had told me that some two years ago, I would have politely told them to cut the crap!

 

I don't mean to sound like I have conquered the world or anything! But even though this is only going to be a 10k it is like a marathon achievement for me. Because in my head I always thought I was fat even when I was not. And fat = slothy = there's no way you will ever get  that butt moving in the PT department. But in the last two years, baby step by step, I have come this far. Its more like a battle within the mind that keeps wanting to put me down. To hold me guilty for being fat and ugly and incapable. I have risen in my own eyes. I may be a fat girl. I may have another 15 kgs to lose. But I no longer hate myself. I no longer think that being overweight is the only bad thing about me. I might just have made peace. And that my dear readers, is my own Aha! moment in this weight loss journey.

Introspections- that person could have been me!

Last night the Scientist and I were seeing some pictures on Facebook of the Scientist's cousin. The said Cousin, much older to me, also went through pregnancy and childbirth during roughly the same time as me. She was overweight/obese from the time I knew her. She had an IVF/assisted conception and was advised bed rest during the pregnancy. She carried twins. She also had gestational diabetes. Two years after her children's birth, she may be at her all time high weight. I'm not being mean, but I totally sympathise with her. The only thing I was able to notice about the pictures was that she had become HUGE!

While I was also overweight at the time I conceived, I had no issues with conception. Neither were there any complications during my pregnancy, though it ended with a dual fracture of both feet. I weighed about 82 kgs at the start of pregnancy, 100 kilos at the end of pregnancy and reached a high weight of 100.7 kg when I finally decided to end obesity, 6 months after Chittu's birth. For the record, I did not have gestational diabetes, and ate freely, thinking I was licensed to do so.

At this stage in my weight loss journey, after losing nearly 23 kilos and gaining so much lost confidence, and being far more fit than I ever was in my life, I totally salute that person in me, who decided to take on this journey, one last time. I have not reached my goal weight yet. But yes, I certainly have a sense of perspective of what works for me and what does not. I know and have learnt the hard way that weight loss is not easy. It is mighty hard. It needs quite a bit of grit and determination. No matter what I do the slice of death by chocolate cake always looks enticing. The pizza looks ever so delicious and the sweets behind the counter of the sweet shop call out my name every single evening on my way home from office. Some days, I tell myself I don't need that much sugar. Some days, I don't want to mess up after being good so long. Some days when the sweets/cake/pizza land in my home, I quitely succumb to temptation after fighting a long battle of Should I/ should not I in my mind.

I promise I am not bragging. But I do recognise this long journey is one with a medley of perfect days, imperfect days and totally out of focus days. As I get closer to goal weight it is getting harder to shed the pounds. I am pushing some limits.

But when I saw those pictures last night, I realised that person in those pictures could have so easily been me. So even though I had a strong craving for ice cream, I made myself a cup of hot cocoa. And while I sipped it, I silently thanked everyone and everything that has enabled me to come this far.

February Round up

The last three days went by so fast. I typed a half hearted post with half closed eyes last night. But my laptop ran out of charge before I could tag it and hit the publish button. So I shoved the laptop underneath the bed and curled up next to the Scientist, and woke up in time for gym this morning.

So yes. Thanks for all the warm messages of congratulation really kind people left me in the last post. I have begun this month under the 80 mark. Phew!!! Finally.

Quick round up for February:

My goals were:

1.    To do phase 1 SBD for 2 weeks with a maximum of two servings of fruit.

I did well there, with minor slip ups.

2.    To reach 78 kilos and closer to my goal weight which I’m supposed to reach by my birthday in August.

Umm. What do we say? I did my best. But the scale did not co-operate?

3.    Structured work outs.

Yes. Good there too. I have added strength training twice/ thrice a week. Heavy duty cardio work outs stopped working for me.

4.    Recipe with picture every week.

Uhh! I got one. So I am trying!!!

5.    Continue food & weight journal.

             Yep pass on that. Have done it except during our whirl wind weekend at Wayanad!

When I started blogging about my weight loss, my intention was to create accountability for myself and hopefully inspire the random wanderer on the internet looking for company in the weight loss journey. There are some awesome people (see my side bar) who through their blogs have opened my eyes to the kind of problems especially related to self image people who are/ have been overweight face. Reading those blogs gives my daily dose of inspiration, to get to the gym, watch my food, say no to the sweets at the buffet, telling the Scientist to not bring home sugary/fried food and so many other things that are a part of the change that I have become.

So, when I see this post it really makes me happy that someone else is also finding inspiration from the time I spend noisily typing disjoint stories in my weight loss journey. I hope I stay strong and focused and make it to my goal weight. I also hope that I continue to be able to do update the blog regularly and continue even through maintenance.

What inspires you dear reader, to do the seemingly difficult? I’d love to know.

Liking Strength Training & a little bit of Introspection

Last few days have been on plan. The strength training is going well also. I must admit that I like it better than I expected to. I did do some strength training back in my college days when I thought I was fat and ugly. Though I’m probably heavier now even after losing 20 kgs, than I was while at college, I like the way I look and also have great regard for that person inside me who decided to move her butt on the weight loss front. I know I have a long way to go, and that maintenance is another story altogether, but one step at a time is less terrifying than thinking ahead. Of course I have a plan on the food and exercise front, but I’m going to achieve it only one step at a time.

Remember my trek two weeks back? While on it, as I looked at the trail ahead, I wondered how I would climb over that part that seemed so difficult from where I stood. But once I got there and took the step, I kept moving forward. I also worried over how hard the climb down would be. But then one step at a time, I climbed down without much of a struggle.

I appreciate how I broke my barriers with that trek. My fear of doing physical activities is a long story. I was less fearful of injury than of how hard it would be for somebody to pick me up! What would he/she/they say & think about me? This time, I was going up with the Scientist who has been very sensible about my self image. Without support from him, I may not have come this far.

Coming back to weight training and how I don’t dislike it as much as I expected to, that is again a personality trait. I tend to adjust easily into circumstances, once I realize that there are no two ways about it. But that has to come from me. No one can talk me into it. It’s a process in my head, where I speak and reason and convince and eventually like.

Does any of the above make sense to you dear reader? As you can see, weight loss has a huge bearing on me both physically and emotionally, and this journey I’m on is proving to be more about introspection than I thought.

So I am going to keep up with weight training for a little while. 2/3 days a week is what I plan. Plus cardio on other days. So I have finally given my workout some structure, rather than doing what I felt up to. I will also post every Saturday, my work out of the week gone by, so that there will be a record here on my blog too J

Until then, do leave me a line. I’d love to know your thoughts.

List 1 - My Support System

It’s less than ten days to the new year. New Year. While I have never written down resolutions before, or atleast as far as my memory goes, I shall do it this time. But that’s another post.

I am more than 15 kgs lighter today, than what I started off the year with. I have lost a total of 18.7 kgs from my highest weight in 2010. And I have reached here by adopting a healthy lifestyle. Yes, I ate many ice creams this year, and stuffed myself with Diwali sweets. But I have also understood how my body functions and how good it feels when I put the muscles to use.

So here is a list of the things that helped me so far on my weight loss journey:

1.    The fact that being obese crippled me. Literally. I just had to get this weight off.

2.    The South Beach Diet way of eating. It teaches me to balance out my meals. 

3.    Weighing in almost every day. I now know that if I drink I diet Soda during a movie tonight, I will bloat tomorrow, and the weight will increase. Although, technically what I had was calorie free.

4.    A supportive husband. Things he does – encouraging always, guiding me with the importance of stretches at the end of an intense cardio session, allowing me my “exercise time”, never being embarrassed to take me for a run, never said that I looked ugly when I was fat. He is the singular person, I owe my bit of success to.

5.    Having a home-help to take care of the toddler, and doing sundry home-chores to keep our home neat and tidy. Again this gave me time to exercise, without being worried that the house was in a mess.

6.    Stores like Namdharis, Nilgiris and Jaivik Organic Mall, where I get whole foods, a variety of healthy snacks and get introduced to new veggies and fruits. Seriously, I never thought that I will eat Brussels Sprouts.Ever.

7.    My elliptical machine, which has been the one, singular source of exercise.

8.    Web sites such as Kalyn’s Kitchen which has opened up a world of cooking ideas. I have come to learn that the simple act of roasting vegetables, makes them incredibly tasty.

9.    My South Beach Diet Yahoo group has taught me to be patient during a weight-plateau. I have understood that if I wait and keep at my healthy ways, the weight should go.

10. My wish to get back to Bharatanatyam, my true love.

The list can go on. But these are the defining elements supporting my weight loss journey so far.

Watch out this space for more such “listy” posts.