Saturday, May 18, 2013

This day that time!

Three years later, I can clearly remember that morning I least expected to end with the birth of my son. I was to have my delivery in Chennai and my husband was going to drive back to Bangalore, leaving in the wee hours of the morning so that he'd reach office on time!
While the Scientist came downstairs from our room upstairs, I decided to sleep in for 5 minutes longer so that I'd go down once he was showered and ready. Fellow moms would know that towards that end of the pregnancy term, sleep is a highly coveted resource. I used to be hardly able to slep at night while the afternoons would beg me curl up and zonk off!
Anyway, as I groggily went downstairs, I suddenly felt like I missed a step. The next thing I knew was I had fallen, unable to get up. People in the house were awake to also say bye to the Husband and so they heard me call for help. I was not able to stand no matter how hard I tried. I was not even able to really tell how exactly and in what position I fell. I was sweating profusely all the while panicking about the baby in my womb! I did not want anything terrible to happen to the child.
Soon I was given a drink and the family had decided that we rush to the hospital. I somehow gathered every strand of mental strength in me to get up and climb into the car. I was sweating so much and still remember the night sky which had no trace of the approaching day. I was whisked into the maternity wing at the hospital because thankfully they knew that the baby was more important than my feet! The duty doctor did an ultrasound and smilingly reassured me that the baby was fine. I was told to cool down because my BP was soaring and wait till they repeated the scan.
To cut a long story short the scan was repeated until the evening every two hours, and finally my gynac took the decision to perform a C-section becasue the fluid levels were low and the baby's heart rate was going down too. I was nearly mortified by the pre-op preparation and even when I was asked by the loving husband as to whether I was not excited about seeing the baby in a few hours, I said a confident no!!! Even as I was wheeled into surgery we did not have a clue that I had fractured both feet!!!
In the operation theatre, I was given a spinal anaesthesia and was being chatted to by a very chatty, cheerful anaesthetologist. They were playing Radio Mirchi in the operation theatre and that totally amused me. Anyway after what felt like an eternity, I was shown my baby and a wave of pride surged over me. And that was the beginning of a new life and a new world.
As I was being put in the recovery room, I could see flashes of thunder and lightening rip across the sky. The heavy, untimely downpour in the month of May in Chennai made me feel like baby Krishna had come to me. I took it as a good sign that bad times for me were over.
It was not until the next evening almost 36 hours after my fall that I was put on an x-ray table. Can you imagine a 100 kilo woman with broken feet and a recent c-sec surgery try to move from one stretcher to another in a lying down position?? I was embarrased more than anything else. Honestly the mental pain has stayed with me more than the physical pain!!!
After the fractures were diagnosed in both feet, I got a cast on them. My baby had infant jaundice and I was not producing enough milk for the baby. I was fed garlic by the kilo, fed wierd smelling meds from all medical disciplines to improve lactation and made to follow all kinds of dietary advise. I followed everything. But one thought stayed in my mind - what was I thinking when I got pregnant? I was putting my family through severe trouble and was extremely guilty. The fact that Chittu was losing weight owing to insufficient feed was the most depressing. I labelled myself a fat, lame mother who could not even feed her own baby. If I had a gun I would have shot myself. Looking back, I was in a bad state mentally!!!
Luckily I survived. Eventually I recovered. But Chittu had to be put on lactogen feed. I failed in that department as a mother, and still feel guilty about that! In my mind - the single most imporant cause for my suffering was - my WEIGHT! I would have fractured my feet if were not that fat, it would not be so embarrasing if Iwere not that fat, it would have been easier on my family to handle my bed riden body if I were not that fat!Being fat, was simply my single most defect. Even I could not find joy in the birth of my baby becasue my fatness somehow shrunk that joy.
Fatness/ Obesity for me had a great mental impact. I amno more obse now. Overweight but not obese. It has been a long arduous journey of learning, falling, failing and progressing. But the journey has taught me so much, and since I am a mother to a lovable 3 year old the journey is all the more meaningful!

 I will leave you with a picture comparison of then and now





10 days after delivery. Notice the walker




about 3 years after delivery and nearly 25 kilos lighter!

21 comments:

  1. God bless your baby! He gave you a new YOU! Happy Birthday to both of you again!

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    1. Sheetal you have written the exact words i want to comment :-)

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    2. Sheetal & Gowri - you guys are so right!!! I got a new lease of life!

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  2. Sugar,
    I had tears reading this post. I also clearly remember this day 18th May and the day after that 19th May, because it was our first visit after marriage to Tirupathi as family. The Hub and I (newlyweds) were planning to walk all the steps to do the darshan, it was like Gods had opened the sky, it was pouring crazily, I felt it as downpour of blessings from Gods, drenching in the rain, completely wet,hands in hands, seeking the Almighty's blessing, It was indeed an eccentric experience for me, we had a memorable kalyana utsav pooja done and darisanam. Just half way through the way, we got an sms from Y telling "Its pouring heavily in Chennai and we are blessed with a baby Boy -Y". I was so thrilled to read that message,I actually jumped in joy to hear such a good news ( we never met at that time though). Lots of good signs all through the day was happening, I really felt at peace and felt close to God on that day. Happy Birthday to Chittu and Happy birthday to the mom in you..

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    1. thankyou Gowri... i know you always say this :)

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  3. Very motivating post Sugar!! Thanks for this and My dearest birthday wishes to you and Chittu!! Enjoy maadi!!!

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  4. Wow. Such a beautiful and heart warming post. Brought tears to my eyes. you have come a long way and are a very very strong woman.
    A very happy birthday and lots of blessings for chittu.

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    1. thankyou Prachi!!! This post was brewing in my mind for a long time now..Those events still bring tears to my eyes :)and thats the reason why I know I have come a long long way!

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  5. Wow...2 fractures including a C section... You are tough and your weightloss is amazing.You look hot now

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  6. Happy Birthday to Cheebu!! Seriously you have gone thru so much !

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  7. Sugar..what a very touching post. Kudos to you for having so much will power and strength for transforming urself even after the extreme hardship.
    I thought Postpartum blues in my case were extreme, but you had so much difficulties (with fractured feed) as well as post-partum recovery.
    How did u do it Sugar?
    U look fab in the "after" photo...keep up the good work lady.

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    1. thankyou !!! yes those were hard times... and am glad I fought my way out of that!

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  8. Wow, this is inspiring. Way to go Sugar!!! Happy Birthday to Chittagong

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  9. Wow Sugar!! You looking amazing in your recent pic....

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    1. thankyou Supreeti for the compliment!

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  10. Wow! You look amazing Sugar! wat a change! :-)

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Yes. I Know you are thinking something. Please say it! Every word keeps me going!