Three years later, I can clearly remember that morning I least expected to end with the birth of my son. I was to have my delivery in Chennai and my husband was going to drive back to Bangalore, leaving in the wee hours of the morning so that he'd reach office on time!
While the Scientist came downstairs from our room upstairs, I decided to sleep in for 5 minutes longer so that I'd go down once he was showered and ready. Fellow moms would know that towards that end of the pregnancy term, sleep is a highly coveted resource. I used to be hardly able to slep at night while the afternoons would beg me curl up and zonk off!
Anyway, as I groggily went downstairs, I suddenly felt like I missed a step. The next thing I knew was I had fallen, unable to get up. People in the house were awake to also say bye to the Husband and so they heard me call for help. I was not able to stand no matter how hard I tried. I was not even able to really tell how exactly and in what position I fell. I was sweating profusely all the while panicking about the baby in my womb! I did not want anything terrible to happen to the child.
Soon I was given a drink and the family had decided that we rush to the hospital. I somehow gathered every strand of mental strength in me to get up and climb into the car. I was sweating so much and still remember the night sky which had no trace of the approaching day. I was whisked into the maternity wing at the hospital because thankfully they knew that the baby was more important than my feet! The duty doctor did an ultrasound and smilingly reassured me that the baby was fine. I was told to cool down because my BP was soaring and wait till they repeated the scan.
To cut a long story short the scan was repeated until the evening every two hours, and finally my gynac took the decision to perform a C-section becasue the fluid levels were low and the baby's heart rate was going down too. I was nearly mortified by the pre-op preparation and even when I was asked by the loving husband as to whether I was not excited about seeing the baby in a few hours, I said a confident no!!! Even as I was wheeled into surgery we did not have a clue that I had fractured both feet!!!
In the operation theatre, I was given a spinal anaesthesia and was being chatted to by a very chatty, cheerful anaesthetologist. They were playing Radio Mirchi in the operation theatre and that totally amused me. Anyway after what felt like an eternity, I was shown my baby and a wave of pride surged over me. And that was the beginning of a new life and a new world.
As I was being put in the recovery room, I could see flashes of thunder and lightening rip across the sky. The heavy, untimely downpour in the month of May in Chennai made me feel like baby Krishna had come to me. I took it as a good sign that bad times for me were over.
It was not until the next evening almost 36 hours after my fall that I was put on an x-ray table. Can you imagine a 100 kilo woman with broken feet and a recent c-sec surgery try to move from one stretcher to another in a lying down position?? I was embarrased more than anything else. Honestly the mental pain has stayed with me more than the physical pain!!!
After the fractures were diagnosed in both feet, I got a cast on them. My baby had infant jaundice and I was not producing enough milk for the baby. I was fed garlic by the kilo, fed wierd smelling meds from all medical disciplines to improve lactation and made to follow all kinds of dietary advise. I followed everything. But one thought stayed in my mind - what was I thinking when I got pregnant? I was putting my family through severe trouble and was extremely guilty. The fact that Chittu was losing weight owing to insufficient feed was the most depressing. I labelled myself a fat, lame mother who could not even feed her own baby. If I had a gun I would have shot myself. Looking back, I was in a bad state mentally!!!
Luckily I survived. Eventually I recovered. But Chittu had to be put on lactogen feed. I failed in that department as a mother, and still feel guilty about that! In my mind - the single most imporant cause for my suffering was - my WEIGHT! I would have fractured my feet if were not that fat, it would not be so embarrasing if Iwere not that fat, it would have been easier on my family to handle my bed riden body if I were not that fat!Being fat, was simply my single most defect. Even I could not find joy in the birth of my baby becasue my fatness somehow shrunk that joy.
Fatness/ Obesity for me had a great mental impact. I amno more obse now. Overweight but not obese. It has been a long arduous journey of learning, falling, failing and progressing. But the journey has taught me so much, and since I am a mother to a lovable 3 year old the journey is all the more meaningful!
I will leave you with a picture comparison of then and now
|10 days after delivery. Notice the walker|
|about 3 years after delivery and nearly 25 kilos lighter!|