The Frustration

Often, when one goes on a new exercise program or diet, one expects to lose weight fast. But even though I did in the past lose a lot of weight, I never got to a happy place. My weight loss efforts have yielded slow results. Even after Chittu I lost 25 kg over more than 3 years. This time I have lost about 10 kgs, since my highest post partum weight with the Princess. But I feel I have been on the weight loss mission ever since the day I delivered the Princess. As a result of my weight loss efforts I often get injured -my knees and hips bearing the brunt of the pain. Also I did fracture my little toe once and left me off exercise for about 4 weeks. But that apart, I feel like I have watched my food and eaten healthy for a long time now. As a family we don't eat junk food like chips and fries and aerated drinks and limit our intake of processed carbs. We do lead a healthy lifestyle. And while this has not exactly translated into stellar weight loss over the last 2 years, I think that choosing to be healthy is an achievement in itself.

Be that as it may, still seeing the same number on the scale frustrates me. I get frantic, often ill tempered and irritable. There are days I cry. I go through old pictures to see if I look any better or wear old clothes to see if they fit better, often with no luck. Then I think I should crash diet or go back to the gym. While going back to the gym is a necessity, crash dieting is not an option. I need to soon figure out how I can spare one and a half hours in the morning at the gym, without affecting my other deliverable such as packing Chittu's lunch or getting him a wholesome breakfast. A cook will not work for me. But yes I need to figure it out.

In the meanwhile, I will still be tracking my food and try to get a bit more strict with Kayla's BBG program. Its a 12 week program and I am on week 7 already, with visible improvement in strength but no change in my body stats. I love her workout and her way of eating is also totally doable. So despite my not so impressive results so far, I am going to get back at this weight loss business seriously. Re-dedicate yourself to it and get it done. I really wish I could be one of those who lose 30 kg in a year and stuff. My body has never co-operated that way till date. But a girl can always wish right?

I will write again. Till then, any suggestions to speed up my weight loss?

How the 13k was ruined on today's run

Sunday is long run day. I was up before the alarm this morning. I thought - Is this not psychotic that I wake this early in the morning just to go running? And then I had to literally neck myself out of the house. The Husband was still snoring and the toddler was snuggled up next to him. I wanted to get right back into the warmth of that bed.

I instead grabbed the phone, strapped on my belt, filled my bottle with water remembered that I had forgotten to buy gatorade yet again and quietly left the house. 13k was on tap for today. Mentally, I had mapped a route that would let me run 7k till I reached the edge of Cubbon park, 5k in cubbon park and last 1k in the home stretch.

I was feeling just too good and even a bit happy as I jogged into cubbon park, literally spitting out the GU I had got long ago complimentary to the Runners for Life membership. Yuck it tasted horrid!!! I clearly prefer Gatorade!!! The next 2 kms was also pretty good. Suddenly I felt a wincing pain on the bone just below the toe of my left foot. I wanted to take off my shoes right away! I tried to wriggle my foot around inside the shoe, adjusted the position and thought I'd be ok. Ughh!!! The pain was back. Arounf the 10.6k mark, I was limping my way back, after calling the Scientist to come and pick me up. I limped until the mapmyrun app showed 12k. What a disgrace!!I hate to quit at the end!

The background is that the spot of the pain is exactly where my foot was fractured 3 years ago :( I am waiting for the week to actually start to go see the orthopedist about it. Having fractured both feet back then, I was not able to let the left foot heal as much as I paid attention to the right. Hopefully it should not be anything too bad. But all day today I have not even been able to put a finger on that spot. It has been pretty painful!

The updates will come!

10000 Page views and an emotinal post in honour!

Yes my blog views hit 10026. It could have well been me viewing my own blog 10000 times. But I also use the do not track my own views feature.

 

I did not start this blog as a weight loss blog. It was meant to be space I used for my penchant for writing. Eventually, I realised this weight loss attempt is something I should get around to doing seriously because at that time I was miserable, in terms of self esteem - I had gained nearly 20kgs during my pregnancy just because of the total nonsense I fed myself, ended up fracturing both feet and was still having trouble with little things like sitting on the floor and standing up, walking fast was out of question and of course every person who saw me had words of advise to offer as to how I really needed to lose weight. I cried at many comments, fumed at attitudes of people and was drowning in self pity. I googled" weight loss blogs" and chanced upon the many blogs I have on my sidebar, now. I decided to take the plunge and be candid about it. Yes I am fat, but that does not mean I am a bad person beneath the adipose.

 

The husband decided to help a little and get me a home elliptical so that I could exercise within in the convenience of my home at any time and for however long without having to worry about my 6 month old. I initially started off with 10 mins. Can you believe it? And slowly increased until I decided to ditch the elliptical and join the gym because I needed more of a challenge.

 

I lost about 13 kgs ( from 100 to 87) by the time I joined back work in June 2011.Then I stopped doing much of the good stuff, ate out a lot and heard from a colleague one day that it looked like I had put on weight ( in 3 months) I checked the weighing scale, she was right. I was hovering near the 90s. Then I attacked again and got down  to  about 79. Then came March 2012, and our anniversary celeb at the Kovalam, Kerela. I was up 3 kilos!!! Then down to 76-77 ish and then USA in August, and the 80s again.

 

But in between, I can do an unassisted machine pull up, ran a 10 k race, restarted dance class (which I should get my ass back on), even trekked a wee bit and am generally very very fit, right now. But I am still FAR FAR away from goal weight, and really hope I will not stay fat forever. I hope I can sustain a journey into the lower 70s and am pushing hard. I am logging in food at spark people, exercise and weight right here on my blog and really believe that this is the recipe to success. My only battle is against sweet sugar and white rice that surreptiously add up the calories I consume.

 

For all those who made this blog hit 10000 views, my thanks to them. Please let me know if there is anything I should do to improve this blog or you would like this blog to address better. In case, dear secret reader, you would like to delurk, please do. I'd love to know you.  

 

So here's to many more blog posts and hopefully lost kilos.

Yours,
Sugar!

My story so far - A peek into the past!

There was this phase of my life when my personal life was just being blasted in front of my eyes. I went through a patch of emotional tumult that well, I just did not have the age, maturity or good sense to handle. There were agitated conversations. There were tears, too much in fact and a lot of sadness. Things were a complete mess for about a year. That was the year when my weight went from the early 70s to the 80s.

I always had a huge complex about my weight. My father made me even more sensitive about it, and I hated my body. In order to deal with the mess I was going through I'd buy bars of chocolate on my way back from work. Since I'd be unable to sleep well at night, I'd wake up, eat an entire bar of candy (my favourite was the large five star chuncky, then) and then go back to sleep. It became a habit, and soon, I was getting new clothes made, as the old ones did not fit.

I'd meet a specific friend to discuss my sore life. We'd meet at fast food joints, coffee shops and restaurants and ordered anything we fancied. One thing was that my life sucked, so I convinced myself that I could eat good tasting food, as that was the only good part of my day. Another thing was that I had just begun a job and had my own money to spend. No questions asked! So I would merrily eat a double cheese burger and a chocolate shake and go back home to dinner.

While I  always was on the heavier side of life and on a perpetual mission to lose weight. I thought the only way to lose weight was to eat less. So I'd begin with eating less, sustain it for a few days, binge eat and then blow it up. I have joined several gyms in my lifetime and run at several parks. However, it is only this attempt that made me lose 20+ kilos. Why?

First of all, my dual leg fracture scared the living daylights out of me. The pain from my fractures and caesarean section was unnoticeable to me. I was cringing that I was so heavy, in bed and dependent on others for basic needs.  The thought of having someone to assist me in doing basic things of life embarassed me so much. I also had a new born baby to care for.  I decided I had to be lighter just to be easy on myself. Just to prove to myself that my weight does not make me a worse person than I am.

Once I was able to move again, I bought a simple home elliptical. I also read about the South Beach Diet. I also understood that "dieting" is not a temporary thing. I needed to make a lifestyle change. Gradually weight loss occured. I went from a 100.8 kgs to about 78 kgs, now. My goal weight is 67 kgs. Once I get there I will reevaluate if I am ready for more weight loss.

A huge NSV (non scale victory) for me would be to cut the association of emotions with food) I am at work on that part. Many times I display great control. Sometimes, I give in. But what I would call as progress right now, is my ability to step aside for a minute, take a look at what I'm doing and decide if I'm doing good. The blog gives me good accountability. I put my story here just so I can reach out to those who need that spark of ignition.

Thats my story so far. Whats yours?  

Have I lost a Shoe Size?

Seriously. No kidding! I think I have.

I have for a very very long time now (ever since 12^th standard in school), had a problem with swelling ankles. Basically, my ankles swell if I leave my feet down for long. That means during study, travel or now work. When it first started, my family thought I had a kidney problem and got thorough medical examination. It turned out nothing was wrong! And the problem has stayed.

I came in to work, through eight out of nine months of pregnancy and worked on a computer sitting at a work desk on a chair. My feet were HUMUNGOUS! The swelling would cause my ankles to get stiff. During the weekends, when I was home, I sat cross legged on the floor, and the swelling would abate, only to be full blown by the end of the week!

As you know, my pregnancy ended, with my having a fall and fracturing both feet! Ouch! The doctors then asked me if the swelling in feet was due to the fracture or pregnancy. It was that bad.

I have been consistently exercising for about a year now, with a month’s break in between. Earlier, I used my home-elliptical and I have been going to the gym for about a month now.

This morning, when I slid my feet into my footwear, I felt I needed a size lower. I wondered whether it was because the sandals expanded or my feet contracted. I am now pretty sure about the latter. Since I started exercising, and more so at the gym, the tendency for my feet to swell has also reduced. My ankles don’t feel as stiff as before. And also, I think I gained a few pounds on my feet during pregnancy and post it. It might have gone now! Yayy!! For exercise.

A Run and a Revelation

Yesterday, something new happened.

The toddler went to bed half an hour earlier than usual.

As the Scientist was putting him into the crib, I asked, if we could go out for a walk. (To keep up with my monthly goal) The scientist said yes. I got into my tracks, t-shirt, socks and reebok shoes. I threw a sweat shirt over. It was chilly outside, and I don’t want to get sick by being stupid and running in the wintry (read : also smoggy) Bangalore night.

The Scientist came in shorts, tee and berks. I find that my left foot still hurts (after the fracture before baby’s birth) when I wear shoes. Slip on foot wear is ok. But when I wear shoes, I can still feel the pain. But we went on.

I had to run to keep up with the Scientist’s fast paced walking. I was comfortable, running in relatively darker, lesser populated parts of the road. We passed a night club. A couple got out of a taxi with their may be 4 year old son, and entered the pub. The Scientist and I stared at each other in disbelief, and then walked on.

I walked a lot, and ran a little. I feel happy to be able to run. I remember how pathetic I felt about myself when I had fractured both feet one and a half years ago. Running feels particularly empowering in that context. And I felt grateful as well.

We returned home in about 40 minutes. I took the four floors up by the stairs. The Scientist took the lift. He reached first. I remembered the time, when we as children used to race the lift. Have you ever done that?

I asked the Scientist to take pictures of me, “for the record”, so as to be able to compare a month later, when I should have lost some more weight. I looked at the picture of myself. I did not feel shy, like I have been before. I have come a long way, I can tell. The picture shows progress- weigh wise, I mean. I have always shied away from photographs, with family, friends, weddings, celebrations, picnics and even with my baby. I have always hoped that I will magically become invisible. But yesterday was different. I was looking at myself objectively. I could handle what I saw. I did not want to be invisible.

Yesterday, I was probably the same weight I was at before I got pregnant with Chittu. I probably even looked younger then. But I have taught myself to change the way I think. Being fat may be ugly. But it does not make me an outcast. Or a criminal. Or a bad creation of God. The realization falls on me easily. But the journey was a hard one.