There was this phase of my life when my personal life was just being blasted in front of my eyes. I went through a patch of emotional tumult that well, I just did not have the age, maturity or good sense to handle. There were agitated conversations. There were tears, too much in fact and a lot of sadness. Things were a complete mess for about a year. That was the year when my weight went from the early 70s to the 80s.
I always had a huge complex about my weight. My father made me even more sensitive about it, and I hated my body. In order to deal with the mess I was going through I'd buy bars of chocolate on my way back from work. Since I'd be unable to sleep well at night, I'd wake up, eat an entire bar of candy (my favourite was the large five star chuncky, then) and then go back to sleep. It became a habit, and soon, I was getting new clothes made, as the old ones did not fit.
I'd meet a specific friend to discuss my sore life. We'd meet at fast food joints, coffee shops and restaurants and ordered anything we fancied. One thing was that my life sucked, so I convinced myself that I could eat good tasting food, as that was the only good part of my day. Another thing was that I had just begun a job and had my own money to spend. No questions asked! So I would merrily eat a double cheese burger and a chocolate shake and go back home to dinner.
While I always was on the heavier side of life and on a perpetual mission to lose weight. I thought the only way to lose weight was to eat less. So I'd begin with eating less, sustain it for a few days, binge eat and then blow it up. I have joined several gyms in my lifetime and run at several parks. However, it is only this attempt that made me lose 20+ kilos. Why?
First of all, my dual leg fracture scared the living daylights out of me. The pain from my fractures and caesarean section was unnoticeable to me. I was cringing that I was so heavy, in bed and dependent on others for basic needs. The thought of having someone to assist me in doing basic things of life embarassed me so much. I also had a new born baby to care for. I decided I had to be lighter just to be easy on myself. Just to prove to myself that my weight does not make me a worse person than I am.
Once I was able to move again, I bought a simple home elliptical. I also read about the South Beach Diet. I also understood that "dieting" is not a temporary thing. I needed to make a lifestyle change. Gradually weight loss occured. I went from a 100.8 kgs to about 78 kgs, now. My goal weight is 67 kgs. Once I get there I will reevaluate if I am ready for more weight loss.
A huge NSV (non scale victory) for me would be to cut the association of emotions with food) I am at work on that part. Many times I display great control. Sometimes, I give in. But what I would call as progress right now, is my ability to step aside for a minute, take a look at what I'm doing and decide if I'm doing good. The blog gives me good accountability. I put my story here just so I can reach out to those who need that spark of ignition.
Thats my story so far. Whats yours?