When I woke up this morning close to 6.30, the Husband had already left to work. Body pump class is at 6.50, and so I quickly got into gym clothes that I laid out the night before and scooted off, only to find the shutters closed tight at the gym entrance. I figured, it must have been a holiday for Saraswathi puja and briefly contemplated going back home. But ugh!!! I could not tolerate another day of feeling fat and useless. So I decided instead to hit the park where I usually run. Only problem was that I was not wearing my running sweat pants which have pockets to accomodate my phone and scooter keys. Also I was not really comfortable running in the my gym pants because they are a lycra mix material, and not exactly flattering. Oh, and I was not in my running shoes!
I was so ready to just go home and lounge around, but better sense prevailed, and I coaxed myself into atleast going for a walk. It's better than doing nothing, I told myself. Just half hour, you can do it. I got off my scooter and grabbed my cell phone and keys in my hand and pushed myself into a brisk walk. I tried to jog. Ugh!! No.. I could not. My knees hurt. My body felt so rigid. So I walked some more, until I felt my body warm up. And then I tried to jog. Ah yes. Some pace was returning. Just then, I thought my lungs would burst. So I slowed down. And continued, until I had done one loop - which is about 2 kilometres. I would have done another loop, had it not been the pressure of getting back home in time for office. And I had wanted to wear a saree to work.
So that's how hard it was for me to run this morning. The same me who could do a 7k was panting and puffing, after a few metres after one week of little physical activity. The excess laddoo and mysore pak availability at home makes my mind keep darting towards the idea of just grabbing a big mysorepak and settling into a corner to enjoy the sugar-laden goodness. In fact last night when I woke up for Chittu's milk, I found myself eating the sweet in the solitude of my kitchen. I wonder how I got that habit! I take great pleasure in eating such stuff in secret, behind everyone's back. Sometimes, I feel ashamed. Sometimes, I look at it with a practical eye, and wonder how to treat that problem of mine. I know that this behavious stems from many childhood incidents. But I've come such a long way, and I don't want to sabotage my own efforts. But I have a bigger problem controlling sweets when I am alone than when I am in public. Anyway, I have found that only consistent exercise keeps me from such deviant behaviour and so I did myself a favour and got a run in, even when I found that the gym was closed. I know I am changing. But some psychological traits are so hard to eliminate, especially those with some complicated connections. I am trying to work on it. It is an every day battle. A hard one for me- more emotionally than physically.
The whole thing has made me so sensitive about my weight, that I find it so hard to take comments. But I guess I have rambled on enough. I'll reserve that for a different post. But tell me - does any body have a secret eating issue like me? How do you deal with it? I know I'm not the only one. I have read many others with such problems too who have successfully managed to lose weight and keep it off. But until I get there, I guess I'll have to keep trying!